the stem of my problems and the way to solve them

My great Uncle was a gangster who was a notorious gambler. His name was Czar Elmer Bones Remmer who operated card rooms in San Francisco and unincorporated areas of Alameda and Contra Costa Counties. While he managed the Cal-Nevada Lounge at Lake Tahoe in the 1940’s, the Nevada state commission warned him to “put square dice and new decks on the table.” In the mid-1950s, Remmer attempted to open a card club at the La Rue Restaurant on the first floor of the Ritz Hotel in Emeryville, but was thwarted by the city council. He was subsequently sent to prison for income tax evasion. After serving his sentence, Remmer sold used cars for his brother William, who was co-owner of a lot in Oakland. When Bones died in 1963, the underworld mourned the loss of the “big daddy of Northern California gambling.” People wondered why I have been a gangster since day one. It is in my blood. I used to have such a bad temper my mom would take me into the garage and give me a hammer to beat out my aggression. I would help her do art. She must of known from the very start that I had a sickness. Now that I look back at it, it was a giftness. My mom used to do some amazing art yet my parents ruined my heart. All of their fusing and fighting enabled me to learned the words nigger, whore, money grubbing, lying, and cheating, all because my parents weren’t acting like adults and were misbehaving. They are the ones who need the counseling. My dad was a square and my mom was never there or at least that’s what I was taught. It is unfortunate they created my box. Sigmund Frued said we learn a lot at a young age. Like repression and our sexual orientation. They wondered why I hated women and why I hated the life I was given. My parents did their best but yet they are the ones who created and caused all this stress in my life. They are the ones who created the grief, they are the ones who created the thief. I learned my father was a thief I learned my mom was a whore. I learned all about life and what was in store. Imagine if my parents would have practiced what they preached. Imagine if I wasn’t exposed at such a young age. I bet you I would have never been trapped in a cage. They filled me with all this rage I learned my history and now they don’t want to hear my story. My mom’s dad was a 33^rd Freemason who built the monkey cages at the zoo. Even he had a clue it took me 28 years and countless tears to figure myself out. My dad always said there comes a time when he can’t bail me out. I don’t need you to bail me out. I am the one who figured it out. I am the one who did my own research. I am a third generation San Diegan few and far between. We are the real reason the city is clean. I can take care of my actions but yet when I was little all I wanted was reactions. I was screaming for attention. I was the baby I was the one who was a bit crazy. I knew if I stayed at my moms at an early age I may never get out of a cage. I had so many weird and fucked up thoughts. All my mom did was buy us things and design rings. I know now why my mom acted the way she did, it all stemmed from her childhood. She did her best she tried with all her might. She taught me Bob Marley and how to get up and fight. She taught me music and arts and how to express. She now can keep her head up proud. I know can say I love and respect her when for years I just thought she was a negelector. My mom wasn’t running and hoeing all she wanted to do was dance. Let her mind body and soul go. Now I am creative and I love her so. She is a grandmother and deserves her title. She is a lover a friend and she is know going to be there till the end. It is the way she deals and yet I always know how she feels. Well momma I love you for teaching me drama. I am proud to be a babies mommma. I know realize why Tupac was so poetic it is because of his life was so hectic. I was once told you put someone in a chaos situation and they will act chaotic. Well I am a perfect example. I sure wish I could just give each and everyone of you a sample of my love. Bet you would find it peaceful like a 2 turtledoves. I bet you my God is proud from above. I have really found the true value of love it is a man called Jesus. We all believe in Jesus but yet we are all fighting. Why can’t we become together as one and unite? I love Bob’s words said it best “so much trouble in the world today” or “is this heaven or hell.” No wonder why Tupac wrote so much in such a short little period of time. His brain is like mine we are two soldiers standing on the front line. Except my life won’t be taken away. I have to many who hope and pray that I make it to see another day. To my father you made me the perfect breed. You are the one who let me live the life I lead. You always said I could do anything I put my mind to well guess what I wanted to be just like you. You are the glue that made me stick you are the one who kept up our flicks. You always stayed positive, you always made me make a great first impression. You always told me to fight with my mind rather then a weapon. You always got me out of a jam. I am always going to be camster to you. No matter what I do I owe a shit ton to you. Think of how much you resisted your father? He wanted short hair but yet you wanted long hair. Those are the simple things kids do. Who would ever think I wouldn’t get a tattoo? You always told me to be kind because it may nip you in the behind. You always said to put your best foot forward. Well thanks to you I put my booth two feet forward. I can have my own style I can still run buck wild it is in my blood it is in my jeans. You always had the opportunity to coach our teams. If I could have just listened to you I probably could have been a lawyer. I probably could have changed millions of lives instead I wanted to get into as much trouble and push the limits. My words are just gimmicks I know you hate the F word I know it drives you absurd. Now I use the word WORD I have tried to change for you but that is who I am there comes a time and place when we must chase our own dreams. There comes a time and place where I could put a smile on everyone’s face. Well I am glad you are in my corner, I looked up to you so much I even coached Pop Warner. You have influenced so many lives. It is no longer the time for me to tell you lies. I no longer need the element of surprise. I figure I could write my story and maybe influence a kid who only sees guts and no glory. So I am going to put it all out there and hopefully one child can relate. Look he had to loving parents and yet he still went to jail and a nut house. Music sure can influence ones life. Look how he ended up with one wife, look how he gave up the gangster life. Don’t trip it will always been in my blood and I will always love the color red and blue but it is white that must unite these colors. So I write this for all my sisters and brothers I truly love all of you even you odd ball colors, wither you are short or tall wither you have the bat or the ball just know that people do care. It used to drive me nuts so I stopped wearing under wear. Some things you will still have to figure them out but at least I can help to bring them out. Treat woman with class it isn’t all about smacking ass it has nothing to do with smoking grass. My dad always said you treat a woman like your mom and his mom was like a God to me. Whenever I look up at the sky I know she is smiling down from the heavens. No matter if no one is around know that someone is looking down after you!