Turn To

How many people have burned you
If you were dying how many can you turn to
It is a shame how the world is filled with takers
So many frosty flakers
I am glad to have my selected few who really care
You are the same ones who truly share
I have always put myself out there
Others just point and stare
We need to surround ourselves with good people
The rest can walk like sheeple
This is my story here is the sequal
To my brothers we are equal
We all have battles in life
One day we will be lucky and find that wife
Until then we are just like soldiers
Together we can cry on shoulders
There is nothing wrong
We have been singing the same song
Our troubles may double
Good thing we know how to husstle
We are the ones that can go from the bottom to the top
I will never die until I stop
No need to run from the cops
No longer sitting on crops
All I want is my family and friends
Does it matter if I push a benz
I could be happy with a pole and a tent
It is crazy what we pay for rent
Sometimes I may punch a dent
I wish I knew a bit more about lent
I have done some learning
A few pages I have been turning
I hope we all make a new chapter
We need positive role models and rappers
Ones who preach positive
No longer tell about the lives they lived
People want to hear sweet lies
Mixed with lullibies
Well I speak of no surprise
You need to look into my eyes
I am not crazy
I am not lazy
I may walk a different walk
Definitely talk a different talk
No longer messing with chalk
Unless it is with the kids
Try to teach them and help them avoid bids
I can do a lot of teaching
I feel that I should do some preaching
I have made it thorugh many battles
If I was a jockey I jump right back in the saddle

SomeTHING Peaceful

So you want me to write something peaceful
It is hard when you see the world with so much evil
Well I have finally turned the page
As long as you don't trap me like a rat in a cage
I say things from my past
Who would ever think these words would last
We all need to be up on a stage
Show the world we are no longer filled with rage
We are great people
Supposedly created equal
God made Adam and Eve
Well it isn't my place to leave
I don't want to run and hide
I have just been expressing how I feel inside
Some may look and judge
Those are the same ones to hold a grudge
I have never been one to stay mad
I used to make fun of G.L.A.D.
It is ok to feel sad
Doesn't mean the world is filled with bad
I am sorry for placing fear
I just needed to vent and borrow your ear
I have a giftness
I no longer feel stiffness
I can beat the numbers
All I needed was a nice slumber
Well I feel alive
There is always going to be that freak inside
I am still down to ride
Please stand by my side
Together we can conquere it all
We can have a ball
We are better united
Yet they want us divided
There is a handful of good people
The rest just take and create evil
I try my best
Each and every day they put me to the test
That doesn't make me think of you any less
We all need to relieve our stress
Nothing like a little sun, food, and water
No more pointless slaughter
We must make a stan
No need for the KLU KLUX KLAN
We need to eliminate the hate
We need to shut the evil gates
People need to pick up the slack
No matter what color white or black

Dissapear

If i were to dissapear
Would it creat a tear
There is no need to fear
I am full of cheer
I don't need your beer
My thoughts are crystal clear
I just need to be by the ocean
That is my true potion
I hate being out in the sticks
I don't mean to come off as a dick
If i were a movie I would be a romantic flick
Some of you don't even know what to pick
Being outside makes me happy
I don't care if my hair gets nappy
I am not here to impress everyone
I just want to enjoy the sun
Sunshine used to be my nick name
Some thought it was lame
That was given to me by my God
I maybe seem a little odd
Well I have hopes and dreams
I am glad for all the teams
Unity is what we need
We need to get rid of all this greed
I just need some time away
I have always enjoyed my sway
Others have swagger
Some like McJagger
Well I just want to be me
A straight up G
I am no longer a gangster
I don't need to be a prankster
I hope some of you can understand me
Together we are we
If I could run and hide
My family would divide
I have always kept us together
I have always been a go getter
Like my father says there is none better
Where is my piece of the cheddar
It all stems to the money you make
Oh how funny some of you are fake
I have never been a frosty flake
I want to eliminate the ones who take
I am no longer half baked
Yet I am no longer caked
I would rather be poor and peaceful
Then live in a society full evil
They wonder why the good die young
Cause we are the ones who can't take the dumb
I love one and i love all
This world is a small place after all
I learned from the best
I always knew how to pass the test
I could use my right or my left
No you think my life is a mess
No i have it figured out
I have the balls to scream and shout
Some don't want to hear what I am talking about
You are the ones I don't need in my house
I speak my mind and don't care who I offend
I don't need shit I don't need you to lend
I am not looking for a hand out
That is not what my life is all about
I would rather you lend me your ear
Take me as me and please don't fear
I have been trying to push the weak away
Like I said I have my own sway
I will go on to live another day
I just want to be at the beach and play
Remember building sand castles
Those were the days when life had no hassles
We used to all rule our own empire
No we listen to half ass liars
Well I have been speaking nothing but truth
Others think my mind is running loose
I choose my words
Others think they are absurd
Then why don't you say it to my face
Look at me am I a disgrace
Did other artists get ridiculed and judged
They stood strong and did not budge
You can't tell me what to write
I am in a batlle it is my own fight
I will win
I no longer sin
I know what my path may lead
I no longer need to bleed

positive

They want me to be positive
Yet they want to tell me how to live
Why can't i express my mind
Everything will be good in due time
No need for nickle and dimes
I guess i am suppose to spit positive rhymes
Everyone wants to point and judge
Well I am the rock who will not budge
I don't evaluate you
I am full of love and am true
I write down my emotions
I am only happy near the ocean
I hate being far away
Some think I have too much to say
I don't make you read
I am not the one to cause greed
I know the seven deadly sins
In life all I want to do is win
So please join my team
Find out about my dream
I dream of us all being equal
This is my saga and my sequel
So please lend me your hand
Together we can take a stand
Maybe we can change this place
Maybe we can all have a smile on our face
No need for fussing and fighting
Together we need to be uniting
We are better together
I have always been a go getter
I just feel stuck at times
That is why I spit my rhymes
So lend me your heart
Together we can make amazing art
There are so many gifted people on this planet
Look at that amazing girl named Janet
Her brother was a God
One who got lost in the fog
There are so many talented people out there
Some just need to let down there hair
Please speak your mind
Together we can find
The answer to these problems
I would love to solve them
Give me a puzzle
Please not a muzzle
I don't make you read
Together we need
We need to change this around
I need my dog a blood hound

DrINK

You tell me not to drink
What next how to think
I can slang my ink
Don't dare blink
You might miss what I am saying
I have always been playing
Since I was a kid
I have done a bid
I have been in your rehabilitation
Now you force feed me medication
I need a vacation
I want to be in another nation
Thats when I will be stoked
I need my weed to be smoked
Thats how I would medicate
Yet you chose to dictate
What kind of country is this
I would rather slit my wrist
Find my own heaven
Throw dice showing eleven
Life is a game
You can't contain
You can only hope to maintain
One day there will be blood stains
Out line my body in chalk
No need to stalk
I would rather run then walk
Do you want to dictate how I talk
Will fuck you
I am staying true
My brain can come unglued
Who shoes are you trying to fill
I run my own hill
I would rather kill
Then force me to take pills
This entire situation is bullshit
No wonder why kids pull shit
Control my actions control my speech
Suck me like a fucking leach
I don't need to preach
Please come try and teach
You think you got it all figured out
I know what I am about
I know where I am from
Half the nation is dumb
You got them fooled
I have been schooled
I went to the school of hard knocks
I have always had a hard cock
So lick me like a lollipop
Fuck you pigs and cops
You used to try and catch me slipping
All I was doing was chipping
Stack my loot
Slapping prostitutes
Bitch give me my money
This shit ain't funny
This is life or death
Listen to my breath

BuTTerScotch

Just two dope boys in a cadillac
Reverse my name and it mac
Been spitting since the first grade
Back in the day I rocked a wave
Bitches always craved
How many love me once I am in a grave
Sucking down drinks to get wasted
Girls always tasted
So sweet like butterscotch
Had em doing hopscotch
Life has always been full of stress
I never knew how to get it off my chest
I should have been writing
Instead I chose fighting
Thats the way I learned to deal with it
That wack shit I ain't hearing it
I would rather keep it real
Soon I could have a deal
I have always been motivated
The rest just appreciated
Always been leading the pack
Used to handle the trap
Never been a rat
Toted a louieville slugger bat

rEAd

To those of you who read
To those who need
Some of us bleed
Others will die from greed
To those of you who are goth
Others die of sloth
We need to change
I maybe seem strange
I don't give a flying fuck
I no longer drive a truck
I used to slang pills
No they give me chills
It is funny how life can turn
If I were a bridge I would rather burn
People want to earn
Yet others never want to learn
It is always take take take
Those are the fakes
It isn't about the money you make
It is about being deep like a lake
Have some depth and some substance
The rest is all nonsense
I don't care what kinda clothes you got
I am trying to survive and not get shot
I have lived in the jungle
That is what made me humble
To those of you husslers
Fuck all you busters
It is all about being on your grind
Those are the true G's hard to find
People looking for a hand out
Thats what this country is all about
Go to work
Be a jerk
Strap up them boots
Figure out where are your roots
I know where I come from
Until then you are dumb
Don't think because you have a degree you are smart
I could rip you apart
We all pump blood from our heart
We are all gifted from the start
So get your hands dirty
I don't care if I am dead before thirty
They say the good die young
Wow how many hoes are sprung
If I had a gun I might pull it
Remember the mullet
I used to rock the wave
We all at one time were slaves
So get back to your job
Eliminate all you slobs
4 out of 10 have diabetes
Yet we trying to sign peace treaties
How about look after our own
Why don't we all have a happy home
We need to get back to simplicity
Like before they had electricity
We don't need shit
Guerillas run around with banana clips
2012 is the beginning
Well not so if we aren't winning
We live in a world full of sin
Our country just wants to win
We steal from other people
We try and say we are all equal
What a fucking joke
We finally going to legalize smoke
In 1856 it was the third largest crop
It will finally bring our nation to the top
30% of adults use it
People try and say they abuse it
Yet we make cigarettes and beer
Just to give the people a cheer
Society can't stand their job
They wonder why people go out and rob
We have people here starving
Yet we would rather stare at a carving
We need to get back to ourself
Quit worrying about wealth
Money is the root of all evil
No wonder why it creates people like evil knievel
Give me some land and a farm
I will create my own charm
I don't need any luck
Cause I don't give a fuck
To those of you wasting your time
I would rather write and rhyme
Well i am ready to leave
Just like a boxer I will bob and weave

Why

Why do I want to live
No one will give
Me a chance
I'd rather forget my problems and dance
The whole world is in a trance
I love my plants
Smoke my trees
Sting you lame like bees
You think your all smart with your college degree
Bitch please
You wasted your time and money
Its my turn to get the honey
My head is full of deamons
People keep on dreaming
Others keep on sceaming
My mind keeps on screaming
Wanting someone to hear it
Yet too many fear it
My brain is a mess
Life is full of stress
It doesn't look like it will get better
Its all about the cheddar
Whoever is caked up
Should never give a fuck
Never tell the doctor the truth
I say whatever they want to hear to not be shoved in a booth
They are full of lies
It fills like my hands are tied
You better of not telling them shit
They make me wanna roll around with a full clip
With a 357 on my hip
About to lose my grip
Is that what you want
I ain't got shit to flaunt
I am better of putting bullets into crowds
Is my voice getting loud
Keep shoving pills down my throat
Watch me eliminate your hope
Take away my pride
See how I feel inside

Bi PolAR

I am a writer
I am a fighter
I am a uniter
I spark just like a lighter
No more need to throw blows
No more need to chase chicken head hoes
I would rather design my own gear
Spit my lyrics some might not want to hear
I have my on sway
Others don't even know what to say
I have always played the right games
No more wasting with lames
I don't even care to know your name
Yet we are two of the same
We are brothers
No more deep covers
We need to team up
We need to not give a fuck
Be a trooper
If I see a hot chick I am going to swoop her
You better hold her tight
I could have her for one night
I have always kept it right
Me and her will unite
You can't keep her from me
Cause I am a true G
I have always known I am gifted
Now I need to use my talent for spirits to be uplifted
I can finally think
I don't need to drink
Fuck Respirodone
It makes you feel like a drone
I can finally write
I can win this fight
I need to get to the root of the problem
Puzzles I have always solved them
Little kids I used to rob em

wEEd

Give me what I want
How about a box of blunts
Give me what I need
My prescription of weed
It makes me mellow out
It keeps me calm and doesn't make me shout
Why does everyone have the answer
It even helps with cancer
Why can something be so good
Why can it enrich our neighborhood
Why can a doctor tell me what to do
Who the fuck are you
Point your finger at me
I will fucking kill you or let you be
Why can't I make up my own mind
Roll one up and everything will be just fine
Pass it to the left hand side
Take a rip and hold it inside
Feel the smoke release from your body
No more nights with my 12 gage shotty
Peace is the key to the sickness
You need to see it as a giftness
Others want what I have
Well that is just too dam bad
I want reality back
I smoke weed it ain't crack
So to those of you haters
Catch me puffing with half the lakers

CrYstal ClEAr

My thoughts are no longer racing thru
My mind is no more telling me what to do
My thoughts are clear
My mind is no longer to fear
Please lend me your ear
This is going to be a great year
The year of birth
The year of self worth
My goals are coming true
My head is no more coming unglued
I miss my feelings
These pills are dealing
I miss my life
I no longer need a knief
I can fight with my words
These pills make me feel absurd
I miss the highs and the lows
I miss the lyrical flows
It is like a robot inside of me
They will no longer let me be

don't give a fuck

i don't give a fuck
if i had a million dollars i would give you a buck
if i didn't drive my caddy
things wouldn't be so shabby
i am glad for what i got
i am luck i am not dead or shot
i have done a lot of stupid things
i am glad the bells didn't ring
i am glad to be a live
some times i feel like i am five
i am pumped to have heart
i am glad my brain isn't torn apart
i am stoked to have a new chance
i wish i could sing but i know i can dance
to those of you who don't speak your mind
things well be smooth and just find
now it is my turn to unwind
i am pumped i have a spine
to those of you who just live day to day
i am here all for the play
play your music
you are the one who has to choose it
remember your music represents you
keep it popping what it do
i will always make shit happen
i am like the nolia and keep it clapping
others who don't make a peep
i would romp in a jeep
i will always be a fool
but dont get me twisted i am no tool
i will clap my hands and stomp my feet
fuck you faggots who late night creep
no more little boys and girls
those are nothing but trouble like little worlds
the earth is such a huge place
we can all be the master race
so put a smile on your face
and wipe the taste
out your grill
cook that shit well and cruise to trillville
those are the ones doing things
those are my brothers with diamond rings
i don't care if you are hard
please just don't bump some soft shit on my boulevard
keep it gangster
don't pretend and be a wankster

Couldn't drive

So I couldn't drive
I am finally feeling alive
I used to thrive
Someone please give me a high five
I don't need your pity
I have always ran my city
It is shitty to see how some think
I can't even smoke or drink
I will always be a little of tilt
Do you know the cards i have been delt
I have always felt myself
I have always been true to the game
You others are the ones acting lame
I have never had any shame
Now they try and tame
You can't hold me down
I will always run this town
Wether you love me or not
I am the one with a shot
Until the day I die
I will always be high
I don't need your poison
I will be the chosen
No need for weapons
I am true you are the ones fake steppin
So until you see my face
You are the ones being a disgrace
It is classic how many friends i used to have
Oh man am I glad to have a Dad
There is no one better
Now it is all about the cheddar
See with money comes freedom
Now it is time to get rid of the scum
I hope you enjoy my rimes
You are the one copping dimes
So another day another dollar
Fuck you free face scholars
I will be rich one day
I would give all my money to play
I am about to leave
You are the ones with the fake ass weaves
I will count my trees
Fuck you and your paper degrees

PaIN

I feel so much pain
People calling me insane
They are the ones screaming my name
Yet if I were to take my own life it would be a shame
I do all I can to maintain
I pray each day I don't blow out my brain
My heart is hurting
These whores are squirting
People telling me what  to do
You are going to make me come unglued
So i say fuck you and the bitch you claim
I am a Leo who can't be tamed
Call the cops when you see me
I am a straight up G
Try and throw me in another box
I am the one with goldie lox
Imagine if I was black
None of you would think I was wack
Look at all the money I have stacked
Look at the weapons I packed
I got gangster in my blood
Look at all the crap I have been through
Most of you never had a clue
I been running the streets
I have skills coming out my butt cheeks
I wise a wise guy
I used to bull shit and lie
Now i spit the truth
Put me in a recording booth
Some of you might look and laugh
Some of you hoes have liked my ass
Can't believe what some people will do
All my brothers say whooody who
Now no more running the block
I would rather turn kids into jocks
Let them know there are people who care
Soon one day people will stare
With good intentions
Hopefully my songs will mention
To those who hated
To those who appreciated
The time has come
No more time to run
We all are gangster
to 2pac i must thank you

BC reINcarnated

                        The Chillar”s Reincarnated

I sit here looking at the future lying ahead. A little Indian American, who knows the next Brandon Chillar in the making. His father a well-dressed businessman, a little more Americanized in that fact he doesn’t seem like the modern day work-a-holic. The kid has on Nike Air’s on and some warm up pants. Father stands at about 6’1” nice broad shoulders. Mother about 5’7” and probably in her 3^rd trimester…Definitely pregnant with another boy the way her glow is sitting. The boy pointing asking questions a very intuitive mind, while father runs around after him not letting him get near that yellow line. The warning line that says stand back of yellow line…

BChill54 or     B.Remmer45thCA

B.C.hill%$       B.Remmer$%thCA

Made yoU lOOk

I have seen you come 
I have seen you go 
I have helped you hustle 
I have seen you blow 
Now it is my time to let go forget the past forget the madness 
Now we need to turn to one another during sadness 
No more fighting 
No more biting 
Together we stand  tall 
Together we are uniting 
No more jealousy no more hating 
We are the ones patiently waiting 
Waiting for change so change your mind 
Today will turn out fine
All we need is one glass of wine
Someone please turn back the hands of time
They tell me to unwind
They know I will be just fine
Like Jesus sacrificed
I was willing to roll the dice
I have always been close to the edge
I have even chased others with a sledge
So no more hammer
Please don't call me Quinten Jammer
I don't play a barbaric sport
Because I was too short
So bump me in your head
Scratch your nappy dreads
Cause Jah would never give it to a bald head
Others even thought I was dead
Well guess what I am alive
So pleas give me you hand and give me a five
Or throw up a peace sign
No matter what you do please just be kind

Another dAy

Another day another dollar 
I remember when i used to be a scholar 
Oh how i wish i was taller 
Oh how i wanted a 64 impala 
That was back in the day 
When all i wanted to was play 
Now others point their fingers and laugh 
Well to those of you can kiss my ass 
It is my turn to point the finger 
Remember the movie wedding singer 
Well now i have no temper 
I shall be gone till november 
To the highs and lows 
I should run i suppose
I always avoided the situation 
Now it is my time for the problems I am facing
No more running no more hiding
My thoughts alway seemed some what divding
It is my brain that they depict
I am my own horror flick
To those of you who get me 
The best thing is to let me be
Remember I am the one who can climb a tree
You are the one who gets down on one knee
You will never see me lose it again
Cause I will be fighting to the end
So no more telling me what to do
You don't even have a clue
You have no idea what I am capable of
My shit is fly like two turtle doves
To those of you who I hate
It is now time for you to appreciate
Take me as the way I am 
Take me fit or slim
No need for all this muscle
I have always been full of hustle
So I will still bounce here and there
I am always going to be a gummy bear
To those of you have tasted me 
I will always remain a G

fallen brother

there is no more hiding from the government we are all globally next working the founding fathers were all freemasons we are now teaching evolution in schools no more letting religion run our schools no more people running our lifes to get to the money i was always told to follow the jew or shall i say jesus christ notice how i didn't get life behind bars..ever notice how the morman's can have more then one wife and how they have to give 10% of there money they must follow the dummy the must not believe in freedom well i do and i am in cali funny how i don't need to count my calories i eat what i want whenever i like if i get fat i just take a hike i have great  jeans i can fit in between bars yet i still have scars from the monkey bars do you bleed like i bleed can you read like i read well i don't read books i rather circle words and it gets m in trouble, you ever seen my chin double? do you watch t.v.? we finally have this thing called creativity. well to all those who have caused a fuss we no longer have to sit on the back of the bus. some people may not like it but others need to try it. so we can make a difference be educated and know that your vote does count, oh how i wish i could vote, i would pick a free man one who knows no one or has a scam. so to all my fallen brothers it is now time for us ti invite you other men to vote wisely

free thInkERS

I come from a long line of free thinkers
Who all dealt with being drinkers
Some got gold and oil
Some of us know about the soil
All i need is mary jay
Others like doctors don't know what to say
Imagine all the troubles I have been through
If I was black I would be stuck like glue
Others try and tell me I am not Autistic
I feel I am extremly artistic
Gonja never hurt no one
Why can't I have my medicine and have my fun
Would you let me if I was rich
Would you like me to be a dick
I was always told retard was a bad word
So are plenty of others and they make my father absurd
He doesn't understand the way i talk
Yet he wants me to keep it real and walk
No wonder why children get out lined in chalk
Look at the birds and how they flauk
My dad always said to love everyone
Now that I know the secrets can't I have my fun
No they want to shove pills down my neck
My father thinks I speak with disrespect
He thinks everyone can make everything relate
Not to those who discriminate
Those are the ones who try and regulate
Well I am no Warren G
I just try to be all that I can be
My dad always loved the Kennedys
Funny we had ten of these
My dad was always there for me
Yet doesn't understad why I am a G
My dad is probably the biggest freemason to walk this earth
Yet he has too much self worth
I bet he could be our president
You know he even paid my rent
What a great man
He is the one who taught me to take a stand
Fight for what you believe
Yet he doesn't understand why girls get a weave
That is the reason oh who I am today
No longer a self made slave
My mother taught me about Bob Marley
She also enjoyed people like Chris Farley
Look at how the good die young
They are the ones who wanted to have fun
Like marley says my belly full but we hungry
My father wonders why I am angry
Obama gave you morons hope
We need some one who believes in the pope
Religion is not the answer
We all still fight cancer
It is our time to pick a man
One with a business plan
One who owes no favors
One who likes all flavors
We all believe in a higher power
Now any one of us could have crashed into the towers
There is so much trouble in the world
Give a little take a little

LamE GAmE

Life is a game 
Try and see how many you can tame 
How many you can be friend 
How many are there truly there in the end 
To all of those I have knew 
To some who think they have a clue 
To The ones who keep reading 
You are the ones i am sorry for miss treating 
You are the ones who should be Giving me a beating 
You are the ones needing it in return 
Maybe after 28 years i have learned
To be an amazing person
At times there was none worse then
Now i am getting better 
Now it is all about the cheddar
It is cold out side you might need a sweater
Look i wrote you a love letter
I wrote you my heart and soul
Look what I have packed its a bowl
No more violence and guns
Just want to shower you with hugs, tons
Let me take you away
My feeling are no longer grey
My voice  is of reason 
It is because of you i am pleasing
No more faking the funk
I know I wasn't made to dunk
I just want to be me 
That is why my name starts with a C
That is why my brothers are free 
Cause we all swung on the same tree
Look you were a monkey just like me
If i could be a spider i would leave
Call me a spider monkey 
Just don't call me a donkey
I am no horses ass
I would love to roll in a shit load of cash
Wouldn't we all
Didn't you grow up with a ball
Didn't you have a number to call
Didn't you watch the Berlin Wall fall
Wasn't that a great day 
Some of you might say i am gay
Well yes I am happy to be here 
My voice is full of cheer
No need for alcohol not even a beer
Cause right now I am thinking crystal clear millenium 
It was my year of the new eminem
I have alway been a writer
I have always been a fighter 
Now i am fighting for a new cause
No more need to break jaws
No need to hear applause
It is the reason of my flaws
So thank you for lending me your ear
It might even bring out a tear!!!

the stem of my problems and the way to solve them

My great Uncle was a gangster who was a notorious gambler. His name was Czar Elmer Bones Remmer who operated card rooms in San Francisco and unincorporated areas of Alameda and Contra Costa Counties. While he managed the Cal-Nevada Lounge at Lake Tahoe in the 1940’s, the Nevada state commission warned him to “put square dice and new decks on the table.” In the mid-1950s, Remmer attempted to open a card club at the La Rue Restaurant on the first floor of the Ritz Hotel in Emeryville, but was thwarted by the city council. He was subsequently sent to prison for income tax evasion. After serving his sentence, Remmer sold used cars for his brother William, who was co-owner of a lot in Oakland. When Bones died in 1963, the underworld mourned the loss of the “big daddy of Northern California gambling.” People wondered why I have been a gangster since day one. It is in my blood. I used to have such a bad temper my mom would take me into the garage and give me a hammer to beat out my aggression. I would help her do art. She must of known from the very start that I had a sickness. Now that I look back at it, it was a giftness. My mom used to do some amazing art yet my parents ruined my heart. All of their fusing and fighting enabled me to learned the words nigger, whore, money grubbing, lying, and cheating, all because my parents weren’t acting like adults and were misbehaving. They are the ones who need the counseling. My dad was a square and my mom was never there or at least that’s what I was taught. It is unfortunate they created my box. Sigmund Frued said we learn a lot at a young age. Like repression and our sexual orientation. They wondered why I hated women and why I hated the life I was given. My parents did their best but yet they are the ones who created and caused all this stress in my life. They are the ones who created the grief, they are the ones who created the thief. I learned my father was a thief I learned my mom was a whore. I learned all about life and what was in store. Imagine if my parents would have practiced what they preached. Imagine if I wasn’t exposed at such a young age. I bet you I would have never been trapped in a cage. They filled me with all this rage I learned my history and now they don’t want to hear my story. My mom’s dad was a 33^rd Freemason who built the monkey cages at the zoo. Even he had a clue it took me 28 years and countless tears to figure myself out. My dad always said there comes a time when he can’t bail me out. I don’t need you to bail me out. I am the one who figured it out. I am the one who did my own research. I am a third generation San Diegan few and far between. We are the real reason the city is clean. I can take care of my actions but yet when I was little all I wanted was reactions. I was screaming for attention. I was the baby I was the one who was a bit crazy. I knew if I stayed at my moms at an early age I may never get out of a cage. I had so many weird and fucked up thoughts. All my mom did was buy us things and design rings. I know now why my mom acted the way she did, it all stemmed from her childhood. She did her best she tried with all her might. She taught me Bob Marley and how to get up and fight. She taught me music and arts and how to express. She now can keep her head up proud. I know can say I love and respect her when for years I just thought she was a negelector. My mom wasn’t running and hoeing all she wanted to do was dance. Let her mind body and soul go. Now I am creative and I love her so. She is a grandmother and deserves her title. She is a lover a friend and she is know going to be there till the end. It is the way she deals and yet I always know how she feels. Well momma I love you for teaching me drama. I am proud to be a babies mommma. I know realize why Tupac was so poetic it is because of his life was so hectic. I was once told you put someone in a chaos situation and they will act chaotic. Well I am a perfect example. I sure wish I could just give each and everyone of you a sample of my love. Bet you would find it peaceful like a 2 turtledoves. I bet you my God is proud from above. I have really found the true value of love it is a man called Jesus. We all believe in Jesus but yet we are all fighting. Why can’t we become together as one and unite? I love Bob’s words said it best “so much trouble in the world today” or “is this heaven or hell.” No wonder why Tupac wrote so much in such a short little period of time. His brain is like mine we are two soldiers standing on the front line. Except my life won’t be taken away. I have to many who hope and pray that I make it to see another day. To my father you made me the perfect breed. You are the one who let me live the life I lead. You always said I could do anything I put my mind to well guess what I wanted to be just like you. You are the glue that made me stick you are the one who kept up our flicks. You always stayed positive, you always made me make a great first impression. You always told me to fight with my mind rather then a weapon. You always got me out of a jam. I am always going to be camster to you. No matter what I do I owe a shit ton to you. Think of how much you resisted your father? He wanted short hair but yet you wanted long hair. Those are the simple things kids do. Who would ever think I wouldn’t get a tattoo? You always told me to be kind because it may nip you in the behind. You always said to put your best foot forward. Well thanks to you I put my booth two feet forward. I can have my own style I can still run buck wild it is in my blood it is in my jeans. You always had the opportunity to coach our teams. If I could have just listened to you I probably could have been a lawyer. I probably could have changed millions of lives instead I wanted to get into as much trouble and push the limits. My words are just gimmicks I know you hate the F word I know it drives you absurd. Now I use the word WORD I have tried to change for you but that is who I am there comes a time and place when we must chase our own dreams. There comes a time and place where I could put a smile on everyone’s face. Well I am glad you are in my corner, I looked up to you so much I even coached Pop Warner. You have influenced so many lives. It is no longer the time for me to tell you lies. I no longer need the element of surprise. I figure I could write my story and maybe influence a kid who only sees guts and no glory. So I am going to put it all out there and hopefully one child can relate. Look he had to loving parents and yet he still went to jail and a nut house. Music sure can influence ones life. Look how he ended up with one wife, look how he gave up the gangster life. Don’t trip it will always been in my blood and I will always love the color red and blue but it is white that must unite these colors. So I write this for all my sisters and brothers I truly love all of you even you odd ball colors, wither you are short or tall wither you have the bat or the ball just know that people do care. It used to drive me nuts so I stopped wearing under wear. Some things you will still have to figure them out but at least I can help to bring them out. Treat woman with class it isn’t all about smacking ass it has nothing to do with smoking grass. My dad always said you treat a woman like your mom and his mom was like a God to me. Whenever I look up at the sky I know she is smiling down from the heavens. No matter if no one is around know that someone is looking down after you!   

The Downward Spiral since day One

My great Uncle was a gangster who was a notorious gambler. His name was Czar Elmer Bones Remmer who operated card rooms in San Francisco and unincorporated areas of Alameda and Contra Costa Counties. While he managed the Cal-Nevada Lounge at Lake Tahoe in the 1940’s, the Nevada state commission warned him to “put square dice and new decks on the table.” In the mid-1950s, Remmer attempted to open a card club at the La Rue Restaurant on the first floor of the Ritz Hotel in Emeryville, but was thwarted by the city council. He was subsequently sent to prison for income tax evasion. After serving his sentence, Remmer sold used cars for his brother William, who was co-owner of a lot in Oakland. When Bones died in 1963, the underworld mourned the loss of the “big daddy of Northern California gambling.” People wondered why I have been a gangster since day one. It is in my blood. I used to have such a bad temper my mom would take me into the garage and give me a hammer to beat out my aggression. I would help her do art. She must of known from the very start that I had a sickness. Now that I look back at it, it was a giftness. My mom used to do some amazing art yet my parents ruined my heart. All of their fusing and fighting enabled me to learned the words nigger, whore, money grubbing, lying, and cheating, all because my parents weren’t acting like adults and were misbehaving. They are the ones who need the counseling. My dad was a square and my mom was never there or at least that’s what I was taught. It is unfortunate they created my box. Sigmund Frued said we learn a lot at a young age. Like repression and our sexual orientation. They wondered why I hated women and why I hated the life I was given. My parents did their best but yet they are the ones who created and caused all this stress in my life. They are the ones who created the grief, they are the ones who created the thief. I learned my father was a thief I learned my mom was a whore. I learned all about life and what was in store. Imagine if my parents would have practiced what they preached. Imagine if I wasn’t exposed at such a young age. I bet you I would have never been trapped in a cage. They filled me with all this rage I learned my history and now they don’t want to hear my story. My mom’s dad was a 33^rd Freemason who built the monkey cages at the zoo. Even he had a clue it took me 28 years and countless tears to figure myself out. My dad always said there comes a time when he can’t bail me out. I don’t need you to bail me out. I am the one who figured it out. I am the one who did my own research. I am a third generation San Diegan few and far between. We are the real reason the city is clean. I can take care of my actions but yet when I was little all I wanted was reactions. I was screaming for attention. I was the baby I was the one who was a bit crazy. I knew if I stayed at my moms at an early age I may never get out of a cage. I had so many weird and fucked up thoughts. All my mom did was buy us things and design rings. I know now why my mom acted the way she did, it all stemmed from her childhood. She did her best she tried with all her might. She taught me Bob Marley and how to get up and fight. She taught me music and arts and how to express. She now can keep her head up proud. I know can say I love and respect her when for years I just thought she was a negelector. My mom wasn’t running and hoeing all she wanted to do was dance. Let her mind body and soul go. Now I am creative and I love her so. She is a grandmother and deserves her title. She is a lover a friend and she is know going to be there till the end. It is the way she deals and yet I always know how she feels. Well momma I love you for teaching me drama. I am proud to be a babies mommma. I know realize why Tupac was so poetic it is because of his life was so hectic. I was once told you put someone in a chaos situation and they will act chaotic. Well I am a perfect example. I sure wish I could just give each and everyone of you a sample of my love. Bet you would find it peaceful like a 2 turtledoves. I bet you my God is proud from above. I have really found the true value of love it is a man called Jesus. We all believe in Jesus but yet we are all fighting. Why can’t we become together as one and unite? I love Bob’s words said it best “so much trouble in the world today” or “is this heaven or hell.” No wonder why Tupac wrote so much in such a short little period of time. His brain is like mine we are two soldiers standing on the front line. Except my life won’t be taken away. I have to many who hope and pray that I make it to see another day. To my father you made me the perfect breed. You are the one who let me live the life I lead. You always said I could do anything I put my mind to well guess what I wanted to be just like you. You are the glue that made me stick you are the one who kept up our flicks. You always stayed positive, you always made me make a great first impression. You always told me to fight with my mind rather then a weapon. You always got me out of a jam. I am always going to be camster to you. No matter what I do I owe a shit ton to you. Think of how much you resisted your father? He wanted short hair but yet you wanted long hair. Those are the simple things kids do. Who would ever think I wouldn’t get a tattoo? You always told me to be kind because it may nip you in the behind. You always said to put your best foot forward. Well thanks to you I put my booth two feet forward. I can have my own style I can still run buck wild it is in my blood it is in my jeans. You always had the opportunity to coach our teams. If I could have just listened to you I probably could have been a lawyer. I probably could have changed millions of lives instead I wanted to get into as much trouble and push the limits. My words are just gimmicks I know you hate the F word I know it drives you absurd. Now I use the word WORD I have tried to change for you but that is who I am there comes a time and place when we must chase our own dreams. There comes a time and place where I could put a smile on everyone’s face. Well I am glad you are in my corner, I looked up to you so much I even coached Pop Warner. You have influenced so many lives. It is no longer the time for me to tell you lies. I no longer need the element of surprise. I figure I could write my story and maybe influence a kid who only sees guts and no glory. So I am going to put it all out there and hopefully one child can relate. Look he had to loving parents and yet he still went to jail and a nut house. Music sure can influence ones life. Look how he ended up with one wife, look how he gave up the gangster life. Don’t trip it will always been in my blood and I will always love the color red and blue but it is white that must unite these colors. So I write this for all my sisters and brothers I truly love all of you even you odd ball colors, wither you are short or tall wither you have the bat or the ball just know that people do care. It used to drive me nuts so I stopped wearing under wear. Some things you will still have to figure them out but at least I can help to bring them out. Treat woman with class it isn’t all about smacking ass it has nothing to do with smoking grass. My dad always said you treat a woman like your mom and his mom was like a God to me. She was a pioneer and left her parents in Minnesota. She grew up on a farm so you know she knew how to get her hands dirty. She was a fighter she was a rider. She moved to the Bay area to persue her dreams of becoming a doctor, well reality sat in and she realized money was stopping her from her future. So she adapted and joined the high altitude research program where she trained Air Force guys how to breathe in apparatuses so they could fly at higher levels during WW11. She was a pioneer and she was one of the first women to ever do that line of work. She met her husband and had two little boys. He was in real estate and she thought she had found her man. She had two amazing boys named Billy and Bobby. Soon after she was itching to leave because that husband wasn’t such a great man. He was a raging alcoholic and a bad father. So she packed up the car and headed to San Diego. You must remember in those days woman didn’t just up and leave like they do these days. She was a brave warrior and wanted to do best by her boys. So they moved to Mission Beach. At age seven and five the boys had a whole new life style. They adapted well to the beautiful area. How could you not nice beaches amazing area and an amazing mother who did all she could to support her two kids on her own. From meeting a bunch of my dad’s childhood friends they said she was a Godsend and she saved plenty of boys from getting into trouble. No wonder why she was my favorite person to ever walk the face of the earth. Well those two boys grew up playing baseball and doing well in school. They didn’t have everything growing up like some kids but they sure did have a great teacher and a great mother. She played the mother and father roll, which to me was quit a bit to handle. She was the best Granma ever and she played the Grandpa roll as well. Wether it was fishing or golfing or making some awesome food. Whenever I look up at the sky I know she is smiling down from the heavens. No matter if no one is around just know someone is looking after you! The beginning of my hustle days I used to sell marbles to the Mexicans in first and second grade. My mom was the school nurse and at times that sure saved my butt. My brother and I used to fight like crazy at school he would go to the principle office and I would go to see my mommy. We kinda had a tough time at schoool seeing as tough we were the minority. There weren’t too many kids who looked like us, so we used to get picked on. Even though that did happen I was such a tough little kid I didn’t le it bother me it was either fight or flight and trust me I could fight. Then they switched my school to an all white school called Aviara Oaks, which just so happened to have classrooms that looked like pyramids. My first day of school there I had a pocket full of marbles but yet none of these kids played marbles. So what did I do I had adapted real quick and realized these kids liked pogs. Remember that stupid game. I couldn’t believe kids were so into that crap but trust me we had he biggest and best slammers you could find. All I did was steal them during recess and re sell them to other kids in younger grades. It was tough doing it all on my own so I needed to establish a crew. So in fourth grade I picked my crew Brandon(the muscle) and Mike(an east coast wise guy) and me the boss. I didn’t pay attention in class I already knew what they were teaching. My dad always let me stay up late! He said the day you don’t wake up for school in time is the day you have a bedtime. He would always say 6:15 comes mighty early and I never had a hard time getting up in the morning. I would stay up all hours of the night watching Cartoon Network, Animal Planet, and The History Channel. It was funny third grade me and Brandon hated each other but our brothers insisted we became friends because they were friends and were in the same grade. I ran my class and he ran his. I had my thirty followers and so did he. As soon as we did combine we now had everyone on our team or so called following our team. That’s when the real shit started popping off. We were stealing other kids merit coupons and I actually ended up buying a roll from a store so at age 9 I was already into counter fêting. It took tickets to make tickets and I realized that at an early age. Next thing we got into was selling blue razz blow pops. I was getting those for $6.25 a box from the store. There was 48 in a big box and I was hustling them for a dollar a piece, remember I went to school with a bunch of rich white kids. I knew all about supply and demand and I was already beginning to feel like the man. I was going through 2 to 3 boxes a week. My mom couldn’t figure how I could eat so many of those candies and my smart little ass said I was just sharing with the other kids and remember sharing is caring. So she kept on buying them. The only reason why that operation got burnt is because kids were spitting the gum all around the campus. I remember getting busted by Mr. Nichols and he asked how much I was making? I told him just enough so my friends and I could eat them for free! Man was he a sucker. I was stacking over 40 bucks a box. No wonder why since day one girls were on my jock. The next avenue was the book sales. Remember getting the list and taking it home. Your parents would let you spend a certain amount. Well I could cut that price down in half. It was a win-win situation because the kids got the books they wanted and got to keep some money and we would steal all the books. I never got caught it was the muscle who wasn’t as good as the two little weasels. Oh man how that was funny B walked out like a walking mummy. The books falling from his pants looking like running ants. Looking back at how many times I smooth talked the principles and teachers I remember getting caught for spitting up on the bleachers. I think it was the yo-yo man next thing I am getting yanked by my hand. It was one of the only times I got caught red handed. Otherwise I was the first to bolt they should have given me a jolt. It was our educations fault I smooth talked and walked out of my troubles my entire life. I didn’t even get sent home for bringing a knife. Oh I almost forgot about slanging porn. I used to charge kids five bucks and burry it in the sand box. I could just die thinking back telling kids to go to the monkey bars and taking eight paces straight and two paces right and dig. I originally found the magazines in the fields by my house. Oh man it was awesome being able to play in the fields before they built all those homes. It was one big giant play ground where we could mess around. Now imagine this was all just in elementary school. Junior high just got better. Now I am all about the girls and the cheddar. I did everything to get into their pants. I was a smooth talker plus I knew how to dance. They thought it was love and they thought they had a chance. The only thing I wanted to do was romance them out of their pants. Girls were so dumb they were lucky though I didn’t fill them up with cum. That didn’t come later till high school. People wonder how teens have babies it is because we are fucking girls not ladies. Junior high just got a bit better. I already had my own cheddar stacked. I was already beginning to mack. I never got hated on I was friends with plenty of different folks of all different strokes. Shit they even let me be in A.S.B. I used to fuck with the retards made them put glue on their lips. I look back and man was I a dick. It was all for a laugh school to me was all about getting ass. I never got in serious trouble at school because I kept it cool. I always got straight A’s and I could always misbehave on the sly. I remember being in 8^th grade and being aloud to hear the O.J. trail reading of him innocent. Can you believe I wore a free the juice shirt to school and they were going to make me go home so instead I had to turn it inside out. They wonder why kids scream and shout. That was the beginning of the racial shit at our school. My buddy Chad had just got into a fight the week prior with a Mexican. We were all on the radar with them, next it was my turn to get into a fight with a Mexican named Juan Carlos because of some bullshit in P.E. it wasn’t my fault I was better in kick ball. So him and his home boys came looking for me at lunch, my dad always said let them through the first punch. So what did I do beat his ass and came unglued. I was never scared of anyone, are you kidding me I loved to fight. My fists ran with excitement, this all coming from a kid who used to play hide-n-go-seek boxing. Ever since I can remember I had a ragging temper. Next it comes high school remember I had never gotten a B yet. It was my brothers senior year and we drove to school together. So now I was the “big little man on campus” thinking I was the shit. Again troubles followed me year after year in school but I was no Tim the tool man Taylor. I finally thought I had fallen in love with a girl named Natalie. I was getting straight A’s football season was great and life couldn’t get better. I was finally getting my dick sucked and man was that the shit. It is kinda funny that’s when everyone was starting to get head even though some girls did it in 8^th grade they were all sucking off older guys. So I had this fat bitch as a Spanish teacher. This lady just seemed to have it out for me. So one day I told her I couldn’t wait to get my drivers license so I could fucking run her fat ass over. Can you imagine I talked my way out of that one. I was dead serious I wanted to kill the bitch. Now my relationship started getting rocky during th second half of the year. Plus my dad just had a bunch of cancer cut out of his back. So life turned up side down and became wack. I didn’t know how to deal with it all I just got dumped like a chump. My brother like taking my dads pills so I joined him. There was to much going on in my life at one time and I was beginning to not be so fine. One day lead to another and I started ditching class well finally I had enough. My grades were dropping and the pills I couldn’t be stopping so I did what I had to do. I swallowed about 90 asprin and wrote a letter explaining why I did it. Luckily my dad made me go with him to his girl friends house. Well on the way I told my dad I needed to go to the hospital. He asked why and I didn’t have the balls to say so but of man was I glad he did. I don’t really remember what they did there but I knew dying wasn’t the answer. I bounced back and yet another year I had to attack. It is now my sophomore year and the year was 1998 and I rarely drank due to me being a “ super jock” and never had even smoked pot yet. Don’t get it twisted I took pain pills whenever I could get my hands on them, most of the time I stole them from my dad. My brother was going to school up in Santa Barbara attending the city college and living in Isla Vista. I kept hearing all of his fun stories so I sacked up jumped on the train and headed to paradise for the first time. It was love at first sight beautiful girls ranging from 18 to early 20’s, all over the place like nothing I had ever seen before. Reality started to set in after I had realized my brother wasn’t such a straight edge, as he seemed, he was just your typical 18 year old college kid beginning to experiment with recreation drugs. So it is a Friday night and we are suppose to meet up with a ton of his friends and cruise around Del Playa a.k.a. D.P.

which is the main party street in I.V. So as we begin to head out from my brothers place which is in the cut or shall I say the boonies of I.V. So my brother and his friends all take X and I wanted in for sure. He was hesitant to let me do it but figured I would probably end up doing it anyways down the road. So he only let me take a half of a pill costing me ten bucks. It seemed like everyone was feeling great but I hadn’t felt any different. So I begged and pleaded to let his buddy give me another half and I would pay him later, he finally agreed so I tried to bite the pill in half and the entire pill crumbled in my mouth, keep in mind this is while we are walking to get to this party. My buddy said fuck it just owe me ten later, so my brother heard him say that and he b lined and punched me in the chest pretty hard and right at the second the pill hit me. Never been so bummed before from him punching me then emotions soared, he felt so bad, hence he

is rolling too! He apologized gave me a hug and said lets just have fun tonight. All I could think about is how couldn’t we. We were headed to a party at one of his buddies’ house and there was going to be a ton of people rolling there too. So he gave me the break down and said that I would get a partner to massage and just make one another feel good. He warned me not to drink and not to make out with my E partner, who was smoking hot Asian girl, very tempting and it seemed like the green light was there for the killing but I played the respectful roll. So now we finally make it to the house and it is a raging party down stairs and up stairs is E fest 98. There was 10 guys and 10 girls all sitting on a bunch of couches so we all played footsies in a way. Can you imagine, 40 feet in socks all inter twining, it was intense? My partner and I headed out side on the back balcony to get some fresh air when we noticed a mini rave going on behind the pad.

Next thing you know the couch potatoes all get up and bring the party to the balcony where we begun dancing and just living the moment with not a care in the world, from that point on I knew where I had wanted to go to school. We partied till the sun came up. The rest of the weekend was amazing. Sunday rolled around and my train was calling my name. I didn’t want to leave but I knew I would be back sooner then later. My brother made me promise not to do E again and to keep my mouth shut about my life changing experience. Are you kidding me the first thing I wanted to do was go home and brag how cool my weekend was. Who wants to go fishing and not tell anyone about the fish you caught, takes the whole fun out of it? So back to reality and my jokiness life style. It is now my junior year in high school and kind of getting over the whole football scene, plus realizing I am not going to be a big time athlete. Time to face reality I am 5’10 and a buck sixty and it isn’t like I have wheels or anything. So my dick head coach was giving me shit at practice and I pretty much told him to fuck off and threw my helmet off and walked out during the middle of the practice. That same day was the first time I smoked pot. I had a stash of pot but didn’t burn, headed to my dad’s house grabbed the weed and smoked with my friends after they had finished practice. That was the day I started heading down the wrong path. My dad always said if you play sports it keeps you out of trouble and man was he right!  The next day my head coach asked if I wanted to come back and told him I think I might just watch this game from the stands. I had way more fun chasing girls and drinking at the game then I had playing. The next week came and my answer was final, I wasn’t coming back. Since I wasn’t playing a sport it was time to get a job that was the rule. So I grabbed a newspaper and looked in the classifieds. There was a bar hiring for a dishwasher and I went in and applied. The owner looked at me and laughed he said you are a white boy and you think you can manage washing dishes all day long? I said hey I grew up doing chores and working in the fields like a Mexican at the nursery my dad worked at, so he gave me a shot. In no time I was bar backing, busing tables and no longer washing dishes. I was making tips now and life is good when you have no bills and live at home. With money came freedom and gave me more opportunities to go visit my brother in the biggest playground on earth. It was a typical Friday night at home going to some lame kids party that was probably going to be broken up by the dick cops of Carlsbad seeing as they have nothing better to do or crime to fight. This party was different though the kids older brother and friends were home from college and needed to get some pot. They figured since I was a stoner I could get it, which I could. So I hit up my buddy for an ounce and a scale and broke it up in 8 8ths selling them at 50 bucks each that’s 400 bills, so I made the fastest 100 bucks I had ever made. It opened my eyes to more money more freedom and I wouldn’t have to pay for my habit. I started selling weed to a few older dudes at the bar and my friends. So every time I would visit my brother I would bring 2 ounces and slang to all of his friends. Life was good I was making moves had my parents fooled and slamming chicks left and right. I was beginning to feel invincible, plus I was just a few months away from graduating and moving up to the promise land for City College. I was at home smoking weed during lunch and drinking a few beers since I didn’t have a last period I figured I wasn’t driving anywhere and I could make one of my girls pick me up. I never drank and drove in high school because I had a truck with a shell and it was dialed in with bedding, leopard to be exact. Man if that truck could talk or had cameras I would have already been a millionaire. This is where I got caught slipping by my dad because I had flicked a beer cap into the neighbors yard. She had come over later and blew my spot to my dad that she had been smelling pot come from our house and the fact that I was drinking during the day. My dad always said if he had to page me to get a hold of me that I knew it was serious. So I was smoking with my friends in the barn, it was are chill spot it wasn’t really a barn but it was a huge ass garage that just got stuck with the nick name. My friends mom figured it was better that we smoked and drank over there rather then sneaking around town and risk the fact of getting caught or in trouble. So I just snapped a B load and my pager goes off, I was hoping it was to make a sale but oh man was I wrong! It was my home phone number so I called my dad back and he said you better get your ass home because all hell was about to break loose. So I get dropped off at my place and asked my dad what the deal was. He said the neighbor had told him I was drinking earlier during the day and smoking weed. Of course I fessed up to the drinking but blamed the weed smell from my other neighbor, which my dad believed me because we would smell him smoking all the time. So my dad had gone snooping around in my room and all of my “stash shit” was in the most obvious spot in my sock drawer. It was filled with Polaroid’s of girls doing sexual stuff like sucking my cock and other pretty classic pics, plus a few rolls of undeveloped film with more of the same. He didn’t find any weed it was stashed in my truck and the work was hidden at one of my friends house, but he did find 5 little bottles of pills and asked me what it was I tired to play it off that there were valume but he wasn’t stupid so I told him they were steroids I had just gotten and wanted to sell them to my jock friends. He made me flush them down the toilet and said I better straighten up before I move out to school or he wouldn’t allow me to go. Let’s get real can you really stop me I had money saved up and figured I would keep selling weed when I moved up to school. So he gave me a second chance and respected my boundaries but I was still doing the same shit and now stepped the steroid game up to liquid. I am on steroids weighing about a buck 80 looking amazing and sitting on top of the world. I was about to start my senior year and my dad moved to Oceanside, a bad move. He told me the address and I drove by to check out the new pad and realized that I was moving 2 streets away from where I had a gun pulled on me a few weeks prior outside of a party. I told my dad that was a sketchy area and he should rethink it but it was too late. Moving day came and as we were unloading the truck the neighbor dudes were smoking weed out of a hookah on the porch right there in the wide open during the middle of a Saturday and it was a pretty busy street too. That’s when I met my new connection and now had access to way more weed and other drugs, which I started selling a bit later, for now I was content slanging just weed and steroids. Keep in mind I lived one block from the gym and all of my friends were juicing too but none of them could shoot themselves up so now I became the supplier and the doctor. My house was a revolving door for my friends to get their dose and a sack to mellow out the mood swings then head over to the gym. So I started fucking around and moving product for the neighbor, who was a buck wild dude who sold everything and had some pretty huge connections with the Mexican Mafia and I wanted in! So I started working for him on the front now I was moving a bit more weed and actually hooking up the people who I used to get it from. I went from an ounce or two at a time to about a pound or so every

few days but didn’t sit on it just hooked up larger amounts and slung the little shit to my friends only. My job played a great disguise for me selling drugs since I made awesome money at work, but once you get a taste of money all you want is more. Like the Notorious B.I.G. said more money more problems but I didn’t see it that way yet. It was getting close to graduation and my connection just got busted with coke, weed, money, a scale, and a gun! So shit was hot on the block literally. So I chilled for a quick second but I was getting that taste in my mouth again, you know quick easy money and now I was beginning to fall in love with the life style. So I needed to get back in the game and that’s when I had met his supplier and realized his grandma lived behind me. He knew I was making Chucky a ton of money and in fact him money too, so he started hooking me up. Can you imagine a 17-year-old white kid with Mexican Mafia connections moving up in the game way to fast? He had asked me what my intentions where once I got up to school and I replied, the same old shit just more clientele, exactly what he wanted to hear. He asked if I ever fucked with coke and I said no and didn’t really want to mess with that shit and he left it at that. Things were going good in every aspect of my life, my grades were good and I seemed like your typical senior in high school. Man did I have everyone close to me fooled. I literally was living the Jeckel and Hyde life style. Graduation day couldn’t have came quick enough. I was so ready to get the fuck out of Carlsbad and have my own spot in I.V. The day had finally came it was graduation and I had been seeing this girl on the sly from pretty much everyone just so I wouldn’t have to deal with the typical high school bull shit and rumors. She kissed me in front of everybody and that day I guess we became official. Let’s not get carried away I was tagging girls from other schools the entire time because we weren’t exclusive yet. Her birthday is in the beginning of July so I told her I would cart her and her friends around for her b day and I would be the designated driver, but I would smoke all night long. So I drove to her place and picked her and a few friends up and we headed to a party in her car so we could all fit. The girls got drunk and become idiots so I told them I wanted to bail so I walked down the street to get the car and realized that someone had let

the air out of her tire. So I put on the spare and told her they could keep partying and I would go to the gas station and fill the tire and put the regular tire back on. The entire night I had a weird feeling because she said she had to be home at 12 and normally she never had a curfew. So the tire situation is all taken care of and now heading back to the party to pick them up and take them home but her friends were are going to stay. So we headed back to her house I dropped her off and I was going to skate down the street to crash out at my friends house. So I walked across the train tracks sat and rolled a joint before I took off. I saw a car leave her complex and my heart was racing. I knew it the bitch was going somewhere but I noticed it wasn’t her car and proceeded to smoke my joint half way threw it another car pulled out and sure enough my suspicion was right it was her car. I knew exactly where she was going to her old boyfriends house whom was one of my brother’s friends, fucking child molester she just turned 17 and he was 21 sick fuck. So I sprinted to his house a few blocks away and sure enough her car wash in his drive way. Fucking loser lived with his grand parents so I knocked loud as fuck and made a scene. The grandpa came to the door and I told him the situation that my 17-year-old girl friend was in his house with Ryan. She wouldn’t come out to the door but he did standing timidly behind his security screen. I told him to come outside but he wouldn’t he didn’t want to fight because I was a minor too and told him I would bash his face in and definitely wouldn’t press charges I wanted to fight him. He didn’t come outside and his grandpa said he had called the cops so I better bail. I was heated so I started to leave when a car full of girls drove by and saw me sitting on the corner of the street. They asked me if I needed a ride and what I was doing. I told them the entire story and they ended up taking me to my friend’s house and we both smashed them I made the girl call her while I was fucking her and told her thanks for being such a fucking bitch and burning me like that. I am not that guy, the next day she kept calling and calling and I wouldn’t pick up, so she drove to Greg’s house and just sat out front. His mom told me I better go deal with her, so I did. She tried to say it was a huge mistake and they didn’t do anything, bull shit I know and she knows they fucked. She begged and pleaded for me to take her back and I told her don’t expect me to be mister faithful up at school because I was moving in less than a month. So it became when she was with me she was my chick and when I was home it was the same way. I figured I had constant pussy at home and she could cruise up every so often party and get fucked. So I kept her on the team and strung her along. So don’t feel too bad for the little cunt. School was starting in August and I was getting pumped to move but not sure whom I was going to live with, I got a phone call from my brother and he had told me his friend flaked on him at the last minute and since I didn’t have a place yet we should get a one bedroom in I.V. together. Sounded awesome to me I idolized my brother and still do to this day. So he found the place and everything was beginning to come together for my new chapter in life. We built the coolest bunk beds you have ever seen and we made it work. The only thing not going so smoothly was now I was having trouble getting down to S.D. to see my connection and my funds were running low I wasn’t used to having so many bills and my parents weren’t helping me for shit! They would have if I asked but I was too proud and besides they were shelling out for my brother who was now at U.C.S.B. and I didn’t want to stress their finances any more then they probably already were. Finally my first day of school, did you know when I was going to S.B.C.C. it was like an 8 to 1 girl to guy ratio, pretty sweet. So I was trying to crash this English class along with a few other people. When I met these two hot blonde coke head bitches, of course I was always on point with the girls and got there number. I figured they could be new customers plus I wanted to bang them. I was chilling at my house a few days later smoking B loads with my friends when I heard a knock. The first thing I thought was grab the air freshener and the person outside my door said don’t trip it is just your new neighbor and we smoke too. So hesitantly I open the door to see 2 Chinese dudes at my door and I invited them in. We begun smoking more bowls and got to talking about my current situation and the troubles I was having getting herb. I had been going to L.A. and getting weed there from a kid I knew from home that was going to school at Loyola Maramont, but I could only buy 2

ounces at a time and it would be gone before I could even get to burn a bowl. Such a high demand and my supply was always low. He said he could help me out and that he would front me whatever amount I needed knowing I wouldn’t burn him because he was my neighbor. I told him about my connections at home and said I could move a lot of product if I had the access. I realized he was the real deal now I was fucking around with Wah Chings, also known by slang, as "Dub C" is a Chinese street gang that originated in San Francisco's Chinatown in the 1960s. The name literally translates to "Chinese youth," and the group was comprised primarily of immigrant Cantonese boys from Hong Kong who banded together to combat the American-born Chinese who would often pick on them.

The Wah Ching has been described as an organized crime group. From its origin in 1966 as a street gang, the Wah Ching has developed into a criminal organization, with alleged multi-international crime connections. During the 1970s and 1980s, the Wah Ching became an organization that controlled most of the criminal vices in San Francisco's Chinatown and Los Angeles' Chinese communities. During that time, there may have been as many as 200 Wah Ching members and 500 criminal associates in California. Although primarily headquartered in San Francisco, they have developed strong associations with Asian organized crime groups and gang members in Los Angeles, Seattle, Vancouver, Toronto, Boston, and New York--along with close ties to the Sun Yee On and the 14K Triad in Hong Kong. Today in Los Angeles, The Bay Area California, Vancouver, and the rest of the West Coast of North America there is an estimated 3,000 gang members of Wah Ching and an estimated 1,000

more affiliated with the Wah Ching Gang. The Wah Ching is affiliated with the red rag, and associates themselves as bloods.

Wah Ching first received widespread media attention because of the 1977 Golden Dragon massacre involving another Chinese gang, the Chung Ching Yee (Joe Boys). The event took place at the Golden Dragon Restaurant in San Francisco's Chinatown. The cause of the attack was vandalism by Wah Ching to the graves of several Joe Boy members and a shootout that took place a few months earlier that left one Joe Boy dead and two others wounded. Wah Ching is located in some of the Southern California area in cities such as Rowland Heights, Diamond Bar, Torrance, Hacienda Heights and San Gabriel Valley (the 626 area code). Their main enemies are the Asian Boyz (ABZ) and Vietnamese Boyz (VBZ). Both Wah Ching and Asian Boyz were featured on the television program, America's Most Wanted, following a vicious shooting at a pool hall. The Wah Ching also influences New York, in Chinatown, Sunset Park, and Flushing. Now I have Asian gang ties and Mexican Mafia relations. So I

began running drugs back in forth to San Diego getting rid of 5 lbs. every trip. I began making a lot of trips some times twice a week. I had 2 guys working for me in S.B. who I would front a pound each and I got out of the little game, no more selling the little shit for me, you have to when you start moving weight. So I also hooked up one of my friends who I knew from home to sell the smaller stuff to our buddy’s. I would only sit on my personal sack and never had more then an ounce at my place. I got rid of the work to workers. I would always leave around 8 at night and stop in Orange county first to sell this older dude a pound, then jump right on the road to S.D. so I could get rid of the other few pounds to my boys at home. It would be an intense mission running around and making moves and I would head back up that same evening and get back to my place around 3 to 4 in the morning. So I would be on the clock for about 7 to 8 hours and make about 2 grand every time I would make the trip. You can see why I would be willing to take the risk and make the trip so often, my school didn’t become such a priority anymore, and can you blame me? My Asian connection was big in the weed and X game so I started selling X to and taking it a lot as well. That shit is so fun but it is never as good as the first time. He had asked me about my Mexican connections and if I could get coke I told him yes but didn’t really want to dabble in it but if he wanted me to bring him up some why not, so I picked up a little extra 4 myself to sell since everyone I knew would do it anyways. So big homie was hesitant for me to get it since I hadn’t talked to him in a while and he knew I was still fucking with Chucky who now had gotten out of jail and was still in the game bringing heat near the neighborhood again. So he made me do some of it and it was my first time. This was the good shit straight out the kilo so not all stepped on, for those of you who don’t know that means cut with either a laxative or something else to make more product for you to sell. I now have the goods and cruise over to my dad’s just a few apartments away. I couldn’t sleep and he let me borrow the move Blow, how ironic. I knew it wasn’t the drug for me because I know how addictive that shit was and I didn’t need to be doing my product; it was solely to make money. So now I am dealing weed, coke, and X and the money is flowing in. Each time I would go home I would get a little more coke all of a sudden like the fourth trip I got a pound and it took me 2 days to get rid of it. I realized I was getting in to deep and needed to just stick to the pot and not mess with the other shit, of course that isn’t the answer my connection wanted to hear because he realized the how much I could move and had huge ideas of me being his new right hand worker. One night I was sleeping in my room and my girlfriend was up from home in the bed with me and I was woken up by my buddy yanking on my foot at 5 in the morning looking for coke or X fucking fiend. Now that kid is dead! My friend crashed out at my house that night and was sleeping in my living room and he heard the knock and half way asleep he opened up the door it could have been anybody coming to rob me. I had a camera inside my place that peeped out of my apartment to keep an eye out for who was coming up to my place. I didn’t have any shit at my house but I did have about 20k in cash in a shoebox. It was the last straw and I didn’t want to mess with that crowd of people any more. Plus I started carrying a weapon a 357 to be exact I am glad one of my buddy said he wouldn’t hang out anymore if I had a gun. So thanks to him I got rid of it. I was beginning to fall in love with being a gangster. Plus remember those coke head bitches who I met crashing my English crash. Well of course you knew I ended up fucking that girl a few different times and hooked her up with a little of everything. She partied really hard. I fucked her earlier on Saturday and hooked her up with a sack of weed. I was glad I hadn’t given her any hard drugs because she told me she was going to this E party later that evening and asked if I wanted to go but I was over doing X and was just smoking weed. I dabbled too much into the X and needed to stop. Well her friend had stopped by my house later that Sunday evening and told me she had fallen asleep at the wheel driving home and died. I couldn’t believe it and she told me they were going to have a candle lighting for her at F.T. (Francisco Torres are the off campus dorms) I wanted to go but didn’t because I was scared some how I could get into trouble, of course I didn’t.

Shortly after that incident I had a bunch of buddies up at my house from home. Well we had all be drinking and half of us weren’t thinking. A crew had left my house and pulled of a frat sign across the street funny thought it did seem they ended up knocking out half the frat team. We me and my borther had no clue that this had happened I get a phone call from the gangsters saying someone just through a chair threw my window and of course I am thinking they were trying to rob me. So I get on the phone and call my friends and tell them the situation. They then in turn tell me about the problem they had been facing. So the mob heads back and we are about to go crack some heads. Poor me and my brother we have to live across the street from 60 guys who now hate us. So we head over about 15 deep and start laying them out in the street. People are fussing and fighting the cops came fast and others like myself bolted. Some got caught and other were quick I ran fast and didn’t have to snitch. All of a sudden the cops started bolting oh yeah I forgot to tell you we were all shrooming. They cops were taking off fast they must have something more exciting to do. A few minutes later I had a clue. Some kid “the angel of death” just ran over and killed 4 kids no wonder why they bolted. I remember seeing body parts laying in the street. He thought his life was so bad so he had to take it out on others. Funny I knew the kid who robbed him two days prior. He got off on insanity because his family had money. His dad was some big time t.v. producer. The Isla Vista Massacre was an intentional vehicular assault which occurred in the student community of Isla Vista, California near the University of California, Santa Barbara campus.

On the evening of February 23, 2001, just after 11pm UCSB student David Attias drove his 1991 Saab down the 6500 block of Sabado Tarde Road at high speed into nine parked cars and five pedestrians, killing four and critically injuring a fifth.[1] Attias ran the stop sign at the intersection of Sabado Tarde and Camino Pescadero at around 50 mph, during peak hours for foot traffic in Isla Vista. After slamming his Saab into two parked vehicles, he swerved and hit the pedestrians, sideswiping seven other vehicles in his attempt.[2]

When his vehicle came to a stop, Attias got out and began (or continued, reports vary about whether he was yelling while driving) shouting about darkness and government plots, according to witnesses, he yelled "I am the Angel of Death!" and attempted to pick up victim Ruth Levy by the arm, but quickly lost interest, as he was surrounded by bystanders.[3]

Police arrived shortly after the incident, and had to extricate Attias from a growing crowd. An unidentified first responder administered CPR to Arthur Levy, the sole surviving victim.[4] In the initial aftermath, it was unclear if drugs were involved, as well as if the attack was intentional. Blood tests later showed that Attias was under the influence of marijuana and Lidocaine, neither were deemed significant to the incident.[ Attias was charged with four counts of murder, four counts of vehicular manslaughter with gross negligence and five counts of felony driving under the influence.[6] Residents of his hall told police and the campus paper that Attias had been known for his erratic behavior, including stalking of another student.[7] Several students referred to him, with rolled eyes, as "Crazy Dave" and "Tweaker." [8]The case received additional media attention because Attias is the son of prominent Hollywood film producer Daniel Attias. Attias plead not guilty by reason of insanity, and the following trial sparked significant interest.[9]

On June 11, 2002, Attias was convicted in a jury trial of four counts of second-degree murder. He was acquitted of driving under the influence.[10] One week later, the same jury found that Attias was legally insane. This resulted in a sentence of up to 60 years at Patton State Hospital in San Bernardino. [11]

The case sparked wider debate on how the insanity ruling should apply to the fate of those convicted of murder in California, as it is possible that Attias will ultimately serve a greatly reduced sentence than what his prison term would have been had he not been found insane.[12]

Now I was don’t acting crazy I just wanted to smoke weed and be a little shady. So I switched up the game and was now glad I was only selling weed me conscious was getting to me. How could I be selling people I loved such fucked up drugs? How could the ones I loved let me do it. It is funny how many people seen the things that I was doing yet no one wanted to speak up. I was getting in fights all the time. They used to call me R.C. because it was my alter ego. Whenever the police were around I was the fastest to get away. One of these times it was about to change. So now It is my second year of college now I am living at 6688 Del Playa just so happens to be the same spot where I had my ecstasy experience but I lived down stairs. It is my brother and his 2 buddies and my buddy Tambo living in the living room. Can you imagine 5 guys living in a 2 bedroom with only one bathroom and our house was always fresh. I know my brother couldn’t wait to finish his last quarter so he could leave this nut house. We would have parties ever night. Pretty much every night one of us would get into a fight usually me being the instigator. I know realize the reasons why. It wasn’t my fault that is the way I was taught when we were little kids we slugged it out. Now you have alcohol and other people encouraging it. I was never going to back down. I was always representing for my town. I know was getting more involved into the bigger pushing of the weed. My house was like Michael Jacksons but for 20 year olds. I had a pool table, foosball table, and an official air hockey table. I had every trap you could think of to get the girls into the pad. I even had a wave runner no wonder why people thought I was mad. I was never a chump always down for the pump, keg that is. I was running Carlsbad and Isla Vista. Girls always saw me as a mister. So now I was ready to get out of I.V. and change the pace so I moved to Buelton to grow weed. We moved to this sick single story house on the first 5 acres of a 250 acre ranch. No more working for the Asians I wanted to be a supplier. So we set up the house to a T and started to grow mass amounts of weed. Life was good in the sticks. I changed schools to now I was in fire fighting classes at Allan Hancock and things were starting to mellow out. I wasn’t drinking and partying but I sure was smoking. See for me weed always mellowed me out. I even got a job for a day to get my parents off my back. Funny how I worked at Pea Soup Andersons, we used to have one back at home in Carlsbad. Well I only worked for one day I wasn’t about to work for minimum wage and shitty tips. Good thing I did work that one day because I served a cop and later that saved my ass. I was headed back from I.V. and of course I was speeding so this cop pulls me over and I just so had 3 pounds of some death in the car. He comes up and asks me for my license and registration. When he headed back to the car I grabbed an car freshner and broke it all up. It smelled like grapes but I didn’t give a fuck. He gave me the ticket and said have a nice day I sat there dumb founded with nothing to say. That was my last brush with the cops until my night were my hate did not stop. It was the evening of February 2^nd the night Roy Jones Junior fight. Do you remember when he put his hands behind his back? He knocked the guy out with one punch. Well after drinking and watching the fight we stopped by my old apartment to grab a drink. My fish tank was still there and I ate a fish. People that I was nuts more like I just didn’t give a fuck. The reason why I ate one of them is because they kept feeding my fish and they were killing them. I lost hundreds of dollars so what was one more fish. Then we slammed some tequila. Now headed of to Mason and Flynn’s pad just down the street. I was smashed and I was heated so I pushed my way up he stairs. So many people yet so many glares. I was in the wrong but the line was way to long. Why should I wait to get to my friends party when these other people know them hardly. So I shoved this kid and called him names. I said fuck you sand nigger get out of my way. No one tried to fight no more words needed to be said. I finally got in to the house filled with people yet most were mouse. I got my beer and filled it up now some big white comes talking shit. I could only take it for a minute next thing you know I knocked him out. So I figured it was my time to leave I have had these nights before and with me you don’t know what else is in store. So I said my good byes and headed down the stairs. I saw my buddy Julian and told him peace out. Next thing you know this big Mexican gets in my face and we squash the beef. Well all of a sudden the white guy comes back and creeps. I said what do you want more I already knocked you to the floor. He said that wasn’t me it was my brother now I am thinking here we go again. So I start throwing punches and remember I am out to lunch. I hit everyone I can then I feel like I am being bum rushed so I grabbed a microphone stand. I ended up clocking the Arabic in the head dam near filleted his head. So all chaos breaks lose and all I can think about is freeing the juice so I jump through the fence. Grab a hoodie hanging on the fence. Threw it on and hopped a few more fences. Until I made it away now I am walking to V’s a girl named Victoria I was dating. I showed up at her house yet it was quit just her roommate was there. I told her I was going to wait for her to come home. She had already knew the story words travel fast in a place like that. So I sat out on the balcony trying to release some steam. Next thing I know these cops are walking with two kids I was thinking they were about to do a bid. Little did I know they were looking for me. The cop pointed his flash light and said hey you! I thought to myself oh shit what do I do. So I popped back into the apartment and asked if there was another way out. Her answer was no well I wasn’t about to get caught here so it was time to go. I pushed out the screen and jumped and slid down a tree. Next thing I know I have a cop behind me yo. So I thought where else could I go so the cliff I scaled and man is that a high sketchy cliff. I tried to sit in the water but oh man it was freezing. I sat in there for about 5 minutes but it seemed like eternity. So finally I got out of the water and begun heading south. I figured I could creep back up into another house. So I came to the first set of stairs but guess who was already there? About 3 cops and now my heart was racing and I couldn’t stop. So I began running south every set of stairs three more heads popped out. Not to brag but I was fast there is no way they are catching me. I finally had about 25 or so following behind me. Next thing I know there is a car pulling up on the beach it came so close to hitting me. Yet I kept running like a worker bee. They jumped out of the car and got on the loud speaker and said they were going to be releasing the dog. I thought for a quick second I was half naked and if that dog gets me it will really hurt. Plus if I kill it I am fucked. So I laid down and waited next thing I know I am in the back of the cop car. We made a deal they get one question and I get one question. They asked me if it was my first time running from them and oh course it wasn’t. I said actually I ran from you specifically last week and I hopped the fence. He said I thought that was you and I gave him a hard time because he couldn’t hop the wall. Now it was my turn to ask the question. Who hit me in the back of the head he said me because he had been running after me since the very beginning. I said fair enough. Now remember I am half naked freezing and now they put me at the I.V. foot patrol holding center. My teeth are chattering my lips are purple and he finally gave me a jacket. When they were about to transport me to jail they gave me a heads up that the kid they were going to transport me with had shit his pants and didn’t want any trouble from me. I said as long as he stays on his side I wont kick more shit out of him. So we finally get to the jail. They give me my clothes and take me to my cell. I am still thinking I will be out tomorrow, little did I know. It is now Sunday and the Rams are in the Super Bowl just so happen to be my favorite player Mashall Faulk was on that team, great way to watch it. I get a visitor I am wondering who it could be. It is my father and he says to me at first I wanted to ring your neck until I realized how serious this would be. For real we are talking on a phone through  a glass some shit you would see on t.v. Man was I glad my dad was there for me. I told him about the money in my car and to get me a lawyer. So they did they got me Sam Know Eaton Jr. a Jew who was one of the best. It took me a number of times to go to court before anything was figured out. Oh did I mention I sat next to Jessie Rouge on the little bus all the time. To those of you who don’t know who that is, it is the guy Justin Timberlake played in Alpha Dog. These kids were in a heap of trouble. They were just like me typical 18 year old white little gangsters who took things just a tad bit too far. So the run down on their story is this one kid owed him money so they kid napped his younger brother and they probably could have let the kid go but they got spooked and ended up killing him. Funny how I meet the guy who found his body his name was Tim he was the hiker who saw the kids that night. Tim was in there for burglary but copped a deal since he had found the body in the murder case. I fought my battle for 4 months before I was sentenced on my grandma’s birth day June 16^th. Did you know I had the oldest judge to make a ruling 72 years old. Good thing he was a William and gave me a second chance due to my age and didn’t feel my life would become any better in a cage. Here is a little info on my judge Judge William L. Gordon

Judge Gordon was born in Cherokee, Iowa, on April 18, 1930. Early in his life he and his family moved to California where he graduated from Salinas High School. Judge Gordon took his undergraduate studies at the University of California of Law. After serving in the army for four years he began his legal career as Staff Attorney with the California State Department of Public Works.

He came to Santa Barbara in 1959 and commenced his private law practice. A former president of the County Bar Association (1974), former President of the Inns of Court, and recipient of the "Judicial Service Award", Judge Gordon is a retired Colonel in the U.S. Army Reserves. He was appointed to the Superior Court bench on July 27, 1983 by Governor Deukmejian. It was funny life was harder knowing I had a release date then prior of not knowing.